A piece of toast

I'm sorry I disappeared. I'm always afraid of putting myself out there because I always slack off and feel like a failure. And here I am, abandoning the blog that I promised would flourish with content. Anyway, I digress. What I'm really here to talk about is toast. Yeah, seriously. A piece of white bread, fresh out of the toaster. You can imagine it all buttered up if you want, or it could be made of multigrain if you'd prefer it. But most importantly, I want you to imagine it being chewed by someone and subsequently being spat onto your mother's face as her head is smashed into the kitchen doorframe.

Sorry, that wasn't so nice of me. You can imagine my mother instead of yours. Then, in that way, the story becomes the truth.

The funny thing about trauma is that it likes to occupy the majority of your thoughts, even if it sits far back down in seat 32A in your brain. And then one day, when everything seems fine, you receive a piece of toast with your breakfast order. Suddenly, your trauma is flying first class. And as much as you want to get rid of it, you find yourself inadvertently wanting more. More bad thoughts, more sadness, and more pain. You put yourself on a pedestal with a sign across your chest that reads, "Wounded, looking to be beat down again." You become a magnet for abuse, and the cycle repeats. At this point, the lines become blurred because you don't know if you should label yourself a victim or just an attention-seeking idiot. You're tired from one day to another, your mind occupied with negative non-sense. All the good things in your life start to slip away from your fingers. But nothing even matters anymore, because you realize you love making yourself feel bad. You love it so much.

And then, you know, maybe you get a random burst of energy. Maybe tomorrow you wake up and think, fuck it! I'll buy a whole loaf of white bread, and I'll toast the shit out of it. I'll eat the whole thing and smile. You're not sure how many times you'll be in this mood, but you give it a go anyway.